This thing feels like someone grabbed your Steam library while drunk, smashed it together with Pornhub search history and then just said “yeah, that’s a universe now”. You start as this regular dude who absolutely should not be trusted with a portal-hopping device, and suddenly you are peeking into all these twisted versions of familiar worlds. One minute you are watching a redhead archer who is very obviously not Aloy grind her hips on some ancient machine while you are crouched in the bushes like a horny raccoon, next moment you jump to a rainy hellhole that smells like Silent Hill and Resident Evil had a baby, and Lady D is sitting on a throne with her thighs open, lazy as fuck, letting you worship her feet before she even looks at your face. The game does not even pretend to be subtle. It is like “here, you wanted Ellie with a knife and a dirty mouth, and you wanted to see if she kisses girls as aggressively as she stabs clickers? Cool, have a scene where she is shoving some punk girl against a wall, french kissing her while you watch from a half-broken window, hand in your pants, too scared to breathe because she almost catches you.”

The fun is how the game keeps throwing fanservice you did not know you wanted. Jinx is here, of course she is, wired on some shimmer knockoff, riding a dildo fixed to an old Zaun pipe and laughing like a maniac while you sneak under the catwalk to get a better angle on her dripping pussy. There is this whole cyberpunk city shard where Judy and Panam and Meredith all exist at the same time, like some weird mod that never got patched, and you get dragged into this fucked up NTR setup where your character gets to spy on Panam cheating on you with a chrome dom guy while Judy is under the table, licking Panam’s clit like it is some religious duty. You can join in, or you can just sit there and be a cuck voyeur, watching her swallow his dick on her knees while Panam moans your name by accident. The writing goes from funny to cruel in half a scene, like there is a Mass Effect corner where Miranda is using you like a toy, guiding your tongue over her ass, forcing you to rim her in an elevator, and then on the next jump you land in a cold Metro tunnel where Snezhana is giving some dirty, fast blowjob to survive and you kind of feel bad about how turned on you are.

Not everything hits right. There is a Game of Thrones cluster with Sansa, Arya, Cersei and Margaery, and it almost feels like the dev just dumped all their incest porn folder there and called it a day. One scene has Cersei sitting on the edge of a bed, her foot pressed on your chest, making you lick between her toes while she makes Sansa kneel and eat her out from behind, slow and obedient, like a trained dog, and it is hot, but then it cuts away way too soon and suddenly you are in some Tomb Raider ruin watching Lara and Kassandra compete who can make you cum faster with their mouth, and you never get closure on that foot thing. Same with Baldur’s Gate girls, like Shadowheart and Lae’zel and that green disaster Lae’zel’s friend whose name I always forget. One moment you are buried between Shadowheart’s thighs, tongue deep in her pussy, her hand on your hair pushing you to lick her ass too, soft little whines in your ear, and then the game just shoves you through another portal into some cursed TV zone that is basically The Ring with tits. Still, every now and then it nails that perfect mix of naughty fanfic and actual kink. Liara and Miranda double-teaming you, one riding your face while the other rides your cock, your hand tangled in blue skin and black hair, your vision all sweat and pussy. Lizzy Wizzy doing this weird chrome striptease before letting you jerk off on her feet. A lesbian alley scene with Zoe and Clementine lookalikes where they think no one sees them, kissing, giggling, fingers slipping into panties while rain hits the trash cans around them. Some parts feel rushed, some parts feel like the dev had one hand on the keyboard and one on their dick, but there is this stupid charm in how messy and raw it all is, like a huge crossover fanfic that forgot to be safe for work and never tried to fix itself.

Power, tits and dragons, in that order. Whores of Thrones takes the whole Seven Kingdoms mess and asks a very simple question: what if everyone stopped pretending they have honor and just started fucking for it instead. You’re dropped into this twisted court drama where every “deal” is half politics, half who is on their knees, and it leans hard into that. One scene you’re whispering dirty orders in a candlelit sept, next scene you’re watching a proud knight get milked by a monster he tried to stab. The story does that slow corruption thing: characters start with some fake moral line, then a bit of blackmail here, a “do this or I ruin your house” there, and suddenly they are naked in public, on their knees, kissing boots, begging for more. It doesn’t rush it, which I kinda loved and also kinda hated when I wanted to just go straight to hardcore. Sometimes you’ll pick a choice and think “ok soft scene now” and the game responds with anal, a collar, and a smug priest watching. Not complaining, just surprised. Often.

Fan service is insane. Sansa, Arya, Daenerys, Cersei, all twisted versions of themselves, each pushed into their own flavor of kink. There is this one path where your male character gets to break the noble “ice princess” step by step, starting with just making her show her feet, then kissing them, then using them on your cock like it’s nothing, until she goes from disgusted to needy. Long scene, very slow, and honestly the footjob animation and expressions are way better than they should be for a porn parody. Then you flip to another route and you’re playing a girl instead, suddenly on the other side of the leash, teasing another woman, riding her face and using toys on her while you promise to protect her family if she just obeys. Lesbian stuff hits different here, because they make it half affection, half “I own you now”. You can feel the writers grinning when they script a holy woman forced into exhibitionism in front of her own followers, or when a dragon queen ends up bent over a balcony, pretending she cares about the city while you’re just pounding her and talking about who she has to marry next. There’s vanilla pussy grinding right next to anal punishment, incest whispers in the background mixed with religious guilt, some brutal female domination scenes, gay side paths that go from awkward to “oh shit this is rough” in two clicks. It goes from funny parody to “damn, that’s filthy” really fast. And yeah, you can play it on your phone, which is a blessing until you realize you just opened a scene with a chained noble girl licking a boot and a dildo in the middle of your train ride, and now you can’t look anyone in the eye.